On The Way To FInding Myself

“I’ve never understood what people mean when they say they have to find themselves. We know who we are. The hard part is being that person. It’s always so much easier to be someone else.”

The Kindness of Strangers

Mike McIntyre

I know the name of this blog says I’m trying to find myself, but what does that really mean? I am comfortable in my skin now, more than I’ve ever been. And I do have a sense of who I’m supposed to be and yes, it is difficult to be that person. I want to put on masks, like I do when I go to work, or go out socially. I may know who I am but I may not let you know me. It’s a protective measure.  What I mean by finding myself is to get to the reason why I have never felt thin in my life and peel away the layers of excuses as to why that is and change my thinking so that when I get thin this time, I feel it, believe it, and live it as my truth.

The Weigh-In

This week I stayed the same. Last weeks cookies and “sick eating” coupled with some less than stellar food choices this week have caused this. I know what I did. I want to be “perfect” and just do the right thing all the time, but I am finding that I am human and that means going off track from time to time. Accepting this is a challenge for me. I have perfectionist tendancies and they are difficult to overcome. But necessary. Weight Watchers knows this and expects you to derail from time to time as the natural process of losing weight. Since I tend to be unforgiving about things, this is new to me.  A realistic approach to the task of weight-loss is new to me. The last time I did this and the last program I followed was so regimented and unrealistic and painful, that seemed normal and expected as a weight-loss plan. Weight Watchers is so much easier on you and I can see how this is a lifestyle that can be maintained for a lifetime.

In The Kitchen

I haven’t been in the kitchen much since being sick, cooking on the fly really or eating my frozen convenience foods made awhile ago. I was approached by a book publisher to review their book “Ms. Skinny Slow Cooker Cookbook”, and I will be featuring recipes and a review from that book in the near future. Link to the book on Amazon is:http://www.amazon.com/Skinny-Ms-Slow-Cooker-ebook/dp/B0077UK970/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1331458079&sr=8-2. Note that the book I’m working with is not the natural book which is 19.99. I’m working with the 9.99 one.

Product Details

I haven’t been writing on this blog since getting sick, but I will be more attentive now that I’m better. I’ve started writing professionally for the internet and that has taken up some of my time and energy.  I’ll post about this experience a little later, after I’ve completed more assignments.

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Does This Make Me Revolutionary?

When I was a little girl, I went to the library weekly to get my favorite titles like The Black Stallion or Misty of Chincoteague. No matter how many times I read them, I never tired of them. Later, in my school, they offered the opportunity to order books for sale from Scholastic Book Services. My classmates would order a book or two. I had my own box. I read voraciously and Mom supported me with gusto, indulging my need to explore the world through the pages of children’s paperbacks. As an adult, I traded libraries for bookstores. I know, libraries are special places and who wouldn’t want to read a book for free? Me. I could never get my books back in time and I never could handle the due date deadline. I wanted my books available to me whenever I wanted them, and if I used a highlighter or bent a page, it was mine to do so without repercussions.

I would spend hours in the local bookstore, perusing the hundreds of titles just crying out to come home with me. There were infinite possibilities in that store. So many things to learn. My interests were varied, non-fiction all. I couldn’t read fiction due to a cognitive problem I had from a car accident. I just couldn’t keep the story line straight, and I would forget what I had read by the bottom of the page. Most non-fiction didn’t pose the same challenges. My apartment was small and shelf-space was limited so while I was attached to my beloved books every couple of years as my interests changed,  I would cull the shelves, relegating my cherished books to the donation box. Their departure quickly replaced with new titles in bright and shiny covers. And so it went in my house, books coming and going, ebbing and flowing like a tide of words.

Then one day a new invention hit the marketplace. A Kindle. I scoffed its arrival saying confidently that nothing could replace the magic of a book. The feel of it, the tactile act of turning a page. Ludicrous invention, it’ll never last, going the way of all hyped up cultural phenomina. I went back to my shelves and said it’ll never be in this house. Then one day I was in Target and I happened upon the Kindles. They looked intriguing in person, and didn’t that screen look just like a page from a book. And feel how light they are. And you can download thousands of books. You can take them everywhere you go. Damn if I didn’t cross over to the dark side and buy one.

It was as though a light switch had been turned on. Prior to the Kindle, I had discovered I could read fiction again. Whatever cognitive problem I had was “fixed”. So, I found myself spending hours perusing Amazon’s endless offerings. The library and bookstore  were officially replaced in my world. There was nothing they didn’t have. And then I found an even better feature…free books. Well, I was off and running. It’s been less than a year and I’ve read 71 books, with about 300 in the Kindle awaiting my attention. And I have an even wider scope of interests now. The Kindle goes everywhere with me and I am constantly reading. Turning the page replaced by clicking. I am part of the electronic revolution.

Cover of "Kindle Wireless Reading Device,...

my Kindle