I Can See Clearly – Now Sometimes

My eye

My eye (Photo credit: neuroticcamel)

Sometimes you don’t know how broken something is until you fix it. This was the case with my eyesight. I’ve always worn glasses and I generally get my eyes checked regularly, but I hadn’t gone for a long, long, time until recently, when I had a difficult time reading print books and licenses at work. I thought my eyes were just getting old, and that I was having a normal problem reading. But after I had a thorough exam and bought new glasses, I saw how broken my vision was. Now I can read the numbers on licenses and the fine print on signs at work. I can read paperback books again, the type no longer blurry. I no longer feel like my sight is aging too fast. My eyes had been open to a new perspective.

As I struggle with my weight loss, I am seeing the journey with new eyes. I used to look at the numbers of other weight watchers and I would think “It’s taken you how long to lose how much?” Too long for too little an amount of weight. I am one of those people I looked down upon not long ago. There’s more to this struggle than just eating less and moving more. A lifetime of hiding in food and fat cannot be overcome in a few months. There’s a lot of reprogramming that needs to go on. Old fears and beliefs, old habits all make for a powerful pull to not lose and stay the same, even though the same weight means unhappy and unhealthy.

Finding a new way to relate to food is really hard. Very necessary but a challenge that leaves me drained and seeking familiar solace in a box of cookies. I haven’t found my magic bullet that affords me the same comfort level sans food. Reading, writing, working and my art all provide a great deal of satisfaction, but they don’t take the place of food. Nothing has done that yet. I wonder if I will ever find the answer?

What are your thoughts? Do you struggle with this?

 

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It’s All About Independence

 

It’s the Fourth of July. I am always happy on the fourth. It’s the day we celebrate freedom, so why not be happy? This year I am contemplating my love of personal freedom, am expressing my love of country, and I’m thinking about my quest to free myself of the bonds of weight and addictive eating.I am free in many aspects of my life and I am a slave when it comes to my appearance, health and self-esteem

The success I have experienced to date is certainly worth celebrating, and I’ve come a good way towards improving my health. Today I am thinking about the dependence I have on food, particularly sweets.I can’t help but think I will be a slave to sweets forever. How can I consider myself free when I am so dependant on something?

I did go through a ten month period of time when I did not have sweets. I never stopped thinking about them, and around nine months I started to get severe cravings that resulted in my giving in to the cravings at the ten month mark. And once I started eating sweets and carbs, I couldn’t stop. It was like I was starving and was eating as though I would never get food again.

Now I am working on balancing the cravings, trying to change what I satisfy the cravings with. Currently, grapes are the substitute for cookies. Still having cravings, but the healthy alternative is making the craving less damaging to my loss. I am working on accepting that this will be a lifelong battle, and that while I crave freedom, I will never be free.

Since the loss is taking longer than I had anticipated, I am  working on maintaining a positive attitude about the process. It is easy to fall back into a pattern of low self-esteem, self belittlement, and negativity. I am too fragile to say I am free of these conditions. I walk a tenuous path each day…talking myself into being positive and trying to ignore the call of the familiar negativity.  I am chained to a belief system that is self-destructive and I am working to free myself from them, but breaking chains is hard work. I am a work in progress.

My prayer this Independence Day is to find independence from the past and from cravings. Will I ever be as free as I would like to be? If only I could see ahead two years from now to see how much progress I made. How much freedom will I have?

Happy Independence Day!