The Weekly Facts of Loss – At an Impasse, I am Failing

I have bad news to report. You may have noticed I didn’t post last week, and I am reluctantly posting this week. I have been off plan fo two weeks and I’ve gained 4lbs in two weeks. It’s causing me to question everything about this weight loss journey.

Am I committed? If I am (because I say I am) then why this struggle? Why go off the plan and sabotage my progress?

I have lost weight in the past, only to gain it back again. I do fear that happening again, and maybe I am making what I believe to be the future happen now?

I am beginning to believe I am not strong enough to make this goal happen, that I will be heavy forever. I am beginning to believe I am not worthy of being healthy and thin.

I am questioning the whole goal now. It costs so much money to eat healthy, to subscribe to WW Online, to belong to a gym (even if it’s a bargain gym). Why am I shelling out the money if I won’t stay on the program? It’s cheaper to be fat.

The call of the food is stronger than my committment to lose. The food is a drug and I am weak against its pull. Whether I eat carbs and sugar or whether I don’t, the end result is the same. Cravings that I have to satisfy. And the subsequent weight gain.

So I must take a pause and re-evaluate my committment and ability to continue.

Have you ever been in this position? What did you do to turn things around? Did you turn them around, or did you find you weren’t able to?

 

I Can See Clearly – Now Sometimes

My eye

My eye (Photo credit: neuroticcamel)

Sometimes you don’t know how broken something is until you fix it. This was the case with my eyesight. I’ve always worn glasses and I generally get my eyes checked regularly, but I hadn’t gone for a long, long, time until recently, when I had a difficult time reading print books and licenses at work. I thought my eyes were just getting old, and that I was having a normal problem reading. But after I had a thorough exam and bought new glasses, I saw how broken my vision was. Now I can read the numbers on licenses and the fine print on signs at work. I can read paperback books again, the type no longer blurry. I no longer feel like my sight is aging too fast. My eyes had been open to a new perspective.

As I struggle with my weight loss, I am seeing the journey with new eyes. I used to look at the numbers of other weight watchers and I would think “It’s taken you how long to lose how much?” Too long for too little an amount of weight. I am one of those people I looked down upon not long ago. There’s more to this struggle than just eating less and moving more. A lifetime of hiding in food and fat cannot be overcome in a few months. There’s a lot of reprogramming that needs to go on. Old fears and beliefs, old habits all make for a powerful pull to not lose and stay the same, even though the same weight means unhappy and unhealthy.

Finding a new way to relate to food is really hard. Very necessary but a challenge that leaves me drained and seeking familiar solace in a box of cookies. I haven’t found my magic bullet that affords me the same comfort level sans food. Reading, writing, working and my art all provide a great deal of satisfaction, but they don’t take the place of food. Nothing has done that yet. I wonder if I will ever find the answer?

What are your thoughts? Do you struggle with this?

 

Weekly Facts Of Loss -.8

The Stats: Weigh-in shows a loss of .8lbs, not a lot, but considering I didn’t work out, it’s a good thing.

The weekly recap:

This week was a wash due to a medical problem I had which caused me to not be able to work out.  Then I had a migraine on Saturday. Let’s hope this next week is better!

Weight loss blogs:

This week’s blog is Danicas Daily She is using Weight Watchers and the blog is a window into her usage of the program. She’s opting for using the Simply Filling foods so she gets the most bang for her points buck. Refreshing slant and very upbeat.

Tip for the week:

First tip: I made  Grammy’s Chicken, Broccoli and Rice Soup with turkey stock and ground turkey meat. I like it better than when it’s made with chicken.

Second tip: I am on a learning curve with these blogs. I haven’t been checking the spam filter like I should (and will from now on) so I found lots of legitimate comments that went there by accident. So, check your spam folders each day for blog traffic!

Feel good moments this week:

I got my new glasses a week earlier than expected and I am so happy. I can see again! I was having trouble reading, and now, no trouble at all. And I got the anti-glare feature and it really helps with nighttime driving. They look better than my old pair. A picture is coming after I get my hair cut next week.

 Goals for this coming week:

Hit the gym 3x, going for 40 minutes each day on the elliptical, and doing weights three days.

Hair Cut

Take picture and post it

Tracking better

Cooking this week. Use slow cooker.

Blog post

It’s All About Independence

 

It’s the Fourth of July. I am always happy on the fourth. It’s the day we celebrate freedom, so why not be happy? This year I am contemplating my love of personal freedom, am expressing my love of country, and I’m thinking about my quest to free myself of the bonds of weight and addictive eating.I am free in many aspects of my life and I am a slave when it comes to my appearance, health and self-esteem

The success I have experienced to date is certainly worth celebrating, and I’ve come a good way towards improving my health. Today I am thinking about the dependence I have on food, particularly sweets.I can’t help but think I will be a slave to sweets forever. How can I consider myself free when I am so dependant on something?

I did go through a ten month period of time when I did not have sweets. I never stopped thinking about them, and around nine months I started to get severe cravings that resulted in my giving in to the cravings at the ten month mark. And once I started eating sweets and carbs, I couldn’t stop. It was like I was starving and was eating as though I would never get food again.

Now I am working on balancing the cravings, trying to change what I satisfy the cravings with. Currently, grapes are the substitute for cookies. Still having cravings, but the healthy alternative is making the craving less damaging to my loss. I am working on accepting that this will be a lifelong battle, and that while I crave freedom, I will never be free.

Since the loss is taking longer than I had anticipated, I am  working on maintaining a positive attitude about the process. It is easy to fall back into a pattern of low self-esteem, self belittlement, and negativity. I am too fragile to say I am free of these conditions. I walk a tenuous path each day…talking myself into being positive and trying to ignore the call of the familiar negativity.  I am chained to a belief system that is self-destructive and I am working to free myself from them, but breaking chains is hard work. I am a work in progress.

My prayer this Independence Day is to find independence from the past and from cravings. Will I ever be as free as I would like to be? If only I could see ahead two years from now to see how much progress I made. How much freedom will I have?

Happy Independence Day!

The Weekly Facts of Loss: +1

 The Stats: Weigh-in shows a gain of 1 lb, a disappointment but not a surprise. Last week I stayed the same. I did get a new scale and indeed the first scale was off substantially.  The new scale cost less and is more accurate.

The weekly recap:

This week was a wash out. I didn’t do enough exercise, and I ate a lot of cookies in a moment of weakness. I have to admit I thought about not telling you this, just committing the sin of omission. But I can’t do that. I am being honest with myself and with you. I am showing you the ugliness of the struggle to change.  And it is a daily struggle.

I went to the gym 3x, but 2x were just for 30 minutes. I have to do at least 40 minutes and by now should be up to an hour. Again, it is a struggle.

Weight loss blogs:

This week is Living, Laughing, and Losing by Kim Cashin. I like her writing style and her attitude. And she likes cats, so that’s a plus as well. She has really good pics of herself (something I am planning for myself). She’s young (OK I admit it, almost everyone is starting to look like a youngin’ to me lately. A definite sign I’m “Mature”), with youthful exuberance which comes across in her writing. Her blog is a pleasure to follow.

Tip for the week:

No weight-loss tip this week, but a reminder that I have split this blog into two. This is the weight-loss journey.  My writing journey is Monique Egelhoff – Writer. That is where my essays are now and where I am featuring information on writing and the writing life. My art will continue on both blogs. I hope you will follow both blogs!

Feel good moments this week:

Started my makeover this week by going to the eye doctor and getting an exam (very long overdue, I’m embarrassed to say.) I then went to Visionworks for eyeglasses. Found a great new pair and got them half off so I could get the transitions lenses which I never could afford in the past. There’s more to the makeover to come so I won’t be taking pictures till later in July. But seeing the new glasses made me feel pretty good.

Goals for this coming week:

Hit the gym 4x, going for 40 minutes each day on the elliptical, and doing weights three days.

Tracking better

Cooking this week.

Blog post

 

The Weekly Facts of Loss – 38.2Lbs

The Stats: Weigh-in shows a loss of 1.8lbs, bringing me over the plateau of 37 lbs that I’ve been at for so long!

The weekly recap:

This past week has been an OK one, not great, but OK. I made it to the fifty minute mark on the elliptical, which was a goal. Didn’t make it to sixty minutes, but I will soon, maybe next week. I would like to reach four days minimum working out, this week was two. That is why the loss is so little.

I don’t know why I keep slacking on the gym. I know intellectually that I need to go every day, but I allow things to deter me from going. Maybe the new blogs I found this week will help keep me on track next week. The inspiration coming from other people’s accomplishments fueling my work and helping me to stay on track.

I wonder why I am hesitant to really buckle down and work out like I should. Is there an underlying reason this keeps happening? The reason that crosses my mind is the same reason I regained my weight the last time I lost. I wasn’t ready in my head to be thin. Could this be playing out again now? I’ll think about this some more and see if it’s what is happening.

Weight loss blogs:

I went looking for weight-loss blogs this week. I found quite a few and I’ll be featuring them here in the coming weeks.

This week’s blog is Who Ate My Blog.

Steven Vinson was 632 pounds and has lost over three hundred pounds, bringing him close to his weight goal. I don’t like his food choices, but they are working for him, and that’s the important thing. Each person must find what works for them and stick with that.

Tip for the week:

Fresh pear or Gala apple, sliced and topped with light Laughing Cow Blue or chipolte cheese (35 calories a wedge) Point value:1!  Delicious!

Feel good moments this week:

I was at work, waiting on a customer who really wasn’t in the mood to interact, but she looked up from her purse and said that I looked thinner. I told her I was just over 37 pounds and she brightened right up and complimented me on my accomplishment so far. We chatted a bit and I felt really good. She hadn’t seen me in a very long time, and she wasn’t trying to make me feel good. But she did.

The other feel good moment happened when I was with my mom when she was buying a car. The salesperson hadn’t seen me in a while and when we walked outside, she pointed out how good I look now. (Wait till she sees me next year!)

Remember, if you see someone and like how they look, pay them a compliment. You never know what   kind of impact it may have for the other person. It will be a feel good moment for you as well.

Goals for this coming week:

Hit the gym 4x, going for 50 minutes each day on the elliptical or the treadmill, and doing weights two days.

Tracking better

Cooking this week.

The Fat Trap and Other Truths and Discoveries

I found this article on Dave Kirchhoff’s blog (ManMeetsScale)  the other day,  The Fat Trap by New York Times writer Tara Parker-Pope . It is a difficult article in that it is so honest and dead on. It speaks of the connection between obesity and genetics. This information was sobering, as I look at my family and the weight between the four of us is impressive. I am reminded of the man talking to his friend about his fiance. He wonders if she’ll always be as beautiful as she is now. His friend says look at her mother, that’s the path she could take. You could be seeing your fiance look like her mother in twenty years.  OK, so I surpassed my mother, but not by much. One size. I’m not really into the studies on obesity simply because the information they contain is too negative for someone in my position to process. My intellect is peaked, my ego, not so much.

The article also speaks of the work that it takes to remain thin once you have been overweight. This brought home the realization I had when I started plateauing. This is a challenge you will have forever. Since I have to think in small increments of time to be successful in this loss, I will push this thought to a closed compartment in my mind. It’s simply too daunting and depressing to think about now. No, now is the time for thinking a day at a time, a week at a time. More is out of the question. A couple of pounds at a time is my speed.

A positive I found in all the negative regarding obesity and loss is a blog by Lynn Haraldson Lynn’s Weigh. She has lost 166 pounds and is keeping it off. She’s been on Oprah, the morning network shows, and in People Magazine. I have found a new hero, just when I was looking for one. I’m sure I will link back to her blog frequently. She also has an impressive blogroll that I want to explore. She is in a club I aspire to be in, and in two years, will be. Her original blog during the weight loss was Lynn’s Weight Loss Journey.

So, the stats for this week are four pounds lost. I’m back to where I was before the plateau and gain. My activity points were fifteen. That’s pretty good for me, but this week I’d like to see better stats. This week, my goals are to lose two pounds and to get to one hour on the eliptical three times, workout four times for the week and reach an activity points goal of twenty points.